This started as a blog to rant frustrations in parenting my 2 'adorable' children. It is now my way of dealing with my diagnosis of Bowel Cancer in August 2011 & the subsequent chemotherapy experience.
In April 2013, we were blessed with the arrival of Baby Hope and are feeling very lucky.
In October 2013, I was diagnosed with peritoneal disease and liver mets, which are inoperable and require aggressive chemotherapy.
Everyone deals with things in different ways. Grief is no different. People who know me will know I keep things close to my chest but have a reasonably soft, squidgy centre (and not just the belly). Emotions can and will bubble to the surface and I will be the first to admit I have a bit of a short temper which is just a bit shorter than it used to be.
I mentioned in my last post, some 3 weeks ago that I had joined a support group called WAY, which is for the Widowed and Young. Now this cuts out a massive part of society who are dealing with grief and loss, those who were 'just' boyfriend and girlfriend for a start. I have a friend who falls into this section and they are just over a year since they lost their partner and finding it hard going for various reasons which are not mine to tell.
But there are some incredible people I have met online through this group, two of whom I have been fortunate enough to meet in person. The first is a tenacious young lady who tragically lost their husband whilst they were pregnant and they have a strong mindset of not letting the world beat them. The other lady is just over 2 years down the long road. They're dealing with it in their own way; and to be honest that is the only way that I can deal with it too.
However I am not the only one to have suffered from Ruth's death. There is her family, who to celebrate her birthday have released balloons, a really touching thing to do. Then there are her (and my) 3 children. Hope will not remember a thing unfortunately but at the moment that is also making things easier. But with Isaac and Imogen (Imogen more) you can see that they are missing her. To this end I sat down with them at the end of last week and they asked to see a councillor. I was in town, about to pop into St Catherines to arrange it and then the school rang. "Hello Mr Hayllar, don't worry...." Shit. What's happened now? I thought, but "We have a vacancy with our play therapist and will have another coming up soon, would you be interested in Isaac & Imogen attending?" So the intention is that Imogen will start now, Isaac when they can get him in.
That brings me onto "Moving On". Over the last few weeks, I have had a turbulent personal life but one thing has become clear. You don't move on. You accept the premis that you're alive and need to carry on living. Does this mean you can't love again? No it doesn't. No two people are the same and you cannot compare them either. But there needs to be an understanding that the past is there but it is that. The past. The future for me, who knows but one thing is certain Ruth lives on in her children and I cannot take that away from them. Never.
I was also asked when I was going to change my Facebook status, which I have by the way, I am a Widower on Facebook but it is hidden so I have no status to the outside world. I was also asked about my wedding ring. That is staying firmly on my finger. Technically I am no longer married but it is a part of me and I feel complete wearing it.
So to end, to use the words of the mighty Doris Day,
"Que Sera, Sera Whatever will be, will be The future's not ours, to see Que Sera, Sera What will be, will be"